


Be Okay

by gelandspray



Series: Lay It All Down [13]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Mentions of Finn's Death, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 06:52:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1889133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelandspray/pseuds/gelandspray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Burt Hummel does what Burt Hummel does and provides a nugget of wisdom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Dress Up  
> For [Klaine Bingo](http://www.klainebingo.tumblr.com)

Kurt flies back to Lima a few days before Finn’s birthday – or technically what _should be_ Finn’s birthday.

He promised Burt and Carole that no matter what he was doing or what was going on, he’d always come back to spend that day with them, to spend it as a family. New Directions members old and new aren’t invited to this event – aside from Rachel – because Carole already went through the pain of watching the last New Directions Nationals competition and watched students move on when Finn couldn’t. Finn’s birthday isn’t about performing for the Hudmels and it isn’t a show of forward motion. It is a day when they are allowed to be a little stuck, when they are allowed to go back in time.

Kurt doesn’t explain all of this to Blaine before he goes. He simply tells him that he has to go back to Ohio to spend his late brother’s birthday with his parents. Blaine says he understands, gives him a kiss and a hug, and says maybe next time Kurt goes back to Ohio, Blaine could go too and they could meet each other’s family, to which Kurt simply nods. He’s thinking too much about Finn and death and broken hearts to think about introducing Blaine to Burt. He’s thinking about how Finn was always sure that he and Rachel were endgame, but now they never can be. He’s thinking too much about the deja vu of him packing his things, him silent, Rachel sobbing.

He has to be strong. He knows this. He knows that the two people who loved Finn the most in the world need him to be strong.

He just doesn’t feel very strong.

He puts on a brave face, though. He plasters on a somber, but collected demeanor. He can get it together; he has to. He feels how his skin doesn’t seem to fit right. He feels how his hands don’t want to cooperate, shaking too hard, feeling like they should just be clutching a tissue box or tucking a blanket tightly around his body. With every piece of clothing he packs in his suitcase, he puts together what he needs in order to do this right, everything he needs to push those feelings to the back of his mind. He hopes they will stay put in the little box he’s placed them in, but he also feels like there are too many boxes back there.

It’s just one weekend. He’s just got to keep it together for one weekend.

Rachel clutches his hand from the time they leave the loft to the time they reach Kurt’s front door and Kurt’s the image of supportive strength. Carole hugs him for a little too long to be just a greeting hug and Kurt has a small, reassuring smile as he rubs his hands solidly up and down her back. He keeps that small smile when they reminisce through out the weekend. He cuddles silently with Rachel when she creeps into his room the first night, understandably not wanting to spend the night in Finn’s old room. He chuckles at the right parts in anecdotes.

He performs it all so well until the night of Finn’s birthday. He and Rachel are supposed to fly back in the morning and she’s already passed out in his bed, so he slips away to Finn’s room.

It’s too empty. He’d helped clean it out, but somehow he’d forgotten just how barren it is. He’d looked at the closed door and imagined for just one heartbreaking moment that when he opened it, everything would be the same. It’s that much more heartbreaking when it isn’t.

The bed is still there, so he plops down on the floor and leans against it, taking in all the empty space around him. He closes his eyes and he can see where all the crap would be lying around on the floor, smelly laundry, smuggled dishes, food wrappers, and he sees where all the mementos would be, but when he opens his eyes none of it is there.

Playing dress up is over.

He feels his throat tighten. He feels his jaw clench. He feels the tears begin to drip down his cheeks.

“Hey, kiddo.”

Kurt startles. His dad stands in the doorway in his pajamas, robe, and slippers, looking cozy and warm and not at all how Kurt feels right now. It makes him want to be a little kid again so he can hug his dad and feel how his arms engulf him. He urgently and in a panic goes to wipe off his tears, and whispers, “Hey,” cringing at how rough it sounds.

“I thought you and Rachel went to sleep.”

“Uh, yeah, we did,” Kurt replies weakly.

“Apparently you didn’t stay that way,” Burt laughs.

“Um, no.”

“You’re allowed to be upset, Kurt,” his dad insists as he sits down on the bed, resting a hand on Kurt’s shoulder.

Kurt stares at a speck on the carpet and whispers, “I want to be there for Carole and Rachel. He was theirs.”

“He was ours, too,” Burt emphasizes.

“I guess.”

“You know, if Finn were here, I bet he’d be really bent out of shape that you can drink and he couldn’t. Twenty definitely isn’t as cool as twenty-one. So close and yet so far,” Burt jokes. “Probably take you out to get a six pack and then mooch it back off you.”

Kurt feels a laugh bubble up. “Probably. He’d complain that I’d bought something too fruity but still drink it.”

“He always treated you like a little brother – I think because he was so much bigger than you, hard to feel like the younger sibling when you tower so high.”

“Might also be because he had to protect me with all that bullying stuff,” he suggests sadly, “felt like the protective big brother.”

“You’re probably right.”

Kurt’s phone vibrates against the floor where it fell out of his pocket and it feels to Kurt like the hundredth time it’s gone off in the past two days. He hasn’t looked at any of the messages though. He doesn’t want to type the same message over and over to people who don’t realize that giving their condolences doesn’t make anything feel any better, just makes him have to think about it over and over and over with no break, no respite.

“That’s been going off like crazy since you got here,” Burt comments leadingly.

“I haven’t much felt like talking to anyone.”

“They’re probably worried about you,” Burt insists as he leans down to pick up Kurt’s phone. “Blaine, whoever that is, seems awful desperate.”

“I’ll text back while I wait for the plane tomorrow.”

Kurt can feel his dad’s eyes scrutinizing him and he tries hard not to fidget, but for a guy who looks pretty humdrum, his dad is great at figuring out how to get Kurt to talk and Kurt knows it. He doesn’t know what he might be giving off to clue in his dad, but he futilely hopes it’s nothing.

“He just a friend? Or something else?”

Kurt holds back a groan at his dad’s acuity and simply states, “Something else.”

“That’s great, bud! How come you never told me?”

He looks up at his dad and sees his dad’s mix of confusion and happiness and it makes him want to chuckle if he didn’t also know that he’s now sort of in trouble. So, he turns back around.

“Just hadn’t gotten around to it.”

“How long have you known him?” Burt prods.

“Depending on what time it is, six months today. In fact, it’s probably what he’s texting about,” Kurt admits, feeling _a little_ shitty that he didn’t think to text Blaine before now.

“You don’t think you should text him back? I’m not an expert or anything but I thought that was the way texting went.”

“I told him what I’d be doing,” Kurt explains in what probably isn’t his proudest moment and doesn’t really give testament to the fact that he’s not in fact still sixteen.

“Kurt. Turn around and talk to me, so I don’t have to talk to the back of your head.”

Kurt does as he’s told and looks his dad right in the eyes. “Dad.”

“I seem to remember you being afraid you’d never find anyone _and_ complaining that if you ever did you couldn’t be public about it; now you’re telling me you didn’t even think to mention it to me in all the times we’ve talked.”

“I told you, I hadn’t gotten around to it.”

“Six months, Kurt. Did you not think I’d like him or something?” Burt guesses.

“No, I’m pretty sure you’d love him. He’s polite – he’d insist call you _sir_ even after you’ve corrected him because that’s both how he shows respect and his fallback – and he’s kind and a big football fan, too.”

“Then what’s going on?”

“Dad,” Kurt sighs, “this weekend is about celebrating and remembering Finn, not interrogating me.”

Burt nods, understanding that it’s justifiable to want to focus on your late brother on his would be birthday weekend, but Kurt knows it won’t cut it. “And I’m sure Finn would want me to make sure you’re doing okay,” Burt argues and it’s probably true.

“I’m fine.”

“Humor me.”

Kurt hopes that if he just makes silent eye contact with his dad long enough, his dad will back down. It doesn’t seem to be working though.

“Fine,” Kurt assents, “I didn’t want to tell you until I was sure it would stick.”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“ _Dad_.”

“He knows about you doesn’t he?” his dad asks hesitantly and if Kurt thought _blushing_ was a word to describe his dad, that’d be what’s going on right now. “I mean, he knows-”

Kurt takes pity on his dad, who, although accepting isn’t just about to say, “Your boyfriend knows about your vagina right?” So, Kurt cuts him off before he has to with a simple affirmation of “Yes.”

“So, if he’s stuck through this far, seems like a good sign, right?”

“Have you forgotten how Aunt Mildred is? In between every holiday we talk to her on the phone and we think she’s starting to understand, but then she’ll come to Christmas and say something else, like ‘ _No one will ever believe you’re a boy. There’s nothing masculine about you_ ’ or ‘ _How could you do this to your family? We want a **niece**_ ’ or ‘ _Do you know how hard this is for me? Every time I look at you, I just feel sad_.’ Just because Blaine seems to have gotten past the fact that I’m trans, doesn’t mean that everything is perfect and nothing will go wrong.”

“I’m real sorry she’s said those things to you and I’ve talked to her about it and we don’t have to see her anymore if you don’t want to,” Burt promises, to which Kurt only shrugs. They’ve had this conversation before. “But, Kurt, nothing is perfect. Stuff can always go wrong.”

“How reassuring,” Kurt deadpans, returning to his stubborn analysis of the carpet and picking at some loose threads.

“I’m just saying maybe it will go bad or maybe it won’t, but if you’re going to tip it towards the good side, you’ve got to have a little trust in the guy.”

Kurt tries to sound aloof but finds himself promising, “I’ll take that into consideration.”

“That’s all I’m asking, kiddo,” his dad agrees, squeezing his shoulder one last time before moving to get up with a groan.

For his part, Kurt simply watches his dad get up and leave. He’s not sure what does it – what his dad said or simply curiosity – but he does decide to check his phone after all.

Blaine: _I know this is probably a bad time, but I thought I would still wish you a happy six month-aversary. Or maybe mensiversary if you’re going with the Latin. I’m not 100% sure._  
Blaine: _I just want you to know that I’ve really enjoyed these last six months._   
Blaine: _And I was hoping you might accompany me to dinner after you get back to celebrate._   
Blaine: _But I also understand if you don’t feel like celebrating._   
Blaine: _I’m sorry about your brother._   
Blaine: _I hope you’re doing okay._   
Blaine: _I’m here if you need me._

Kurt can’t help but smile even when he can still feel the tears that have dried on his cheeks. 

Kurt: _Happy six month-aversary or mensiversary or whatever._  
Kurt: _Unique might want to spend our first night reunited in New York City together, but I’ll ask her. We might have to put off celebrating just us, but you could certainly join whatever shenanigans Unique and I put together._

Blaine: _Fantastic! It would be my pleasure._   
Blaine: _I am taking that as a rain check though._

Kurt: _Absolutely._  
Kurt: _By the way, I’ve enjoyed the last six months too._

Blaine: _< 3_


End file.
